How to start this letter… how can I learn to open up my heart, how to allow the words to emerge, how can I give them life, how to allow movement to this thing that I’ve been keeping slaved, tied, crushed under cement and rusty chains, how to even try to touch it, look at it, when it burns, when it destroys, when it can go out uncontrollably and destroy everything in its path, when it can overwhelm you, when it can burn you… And my fears become true, I’m expelled, thrown, abandoned and disconnected. I allowed myself to belong and nest in the Eden of your arms, bathe in the warmth of your furtive glances. How to express that you were always the sun, how could I tell you here, surrounded by darkness, in this long winter night where intrusive memories visit me, where the disk spins and repeats itself, endlessly. I watch you lowering your gaze, but you couldn’t understand that my words are cursed, my mouth can only spit poison, my hands tore at the miracle of you choosing me every day. I could never understand why you spent time with me, I was paralyzed by the fear that when I questioned it you would realize your mistake, then there would be no more summer days, then I would stop being content with watching you enjoying life with that fervor that characterizes you. No, I never understood it, I never questioned it, because we would wake up from this wonderful dream, that’s why I always loved sleeping, but I knew that the awakening always comes, the fall always comes and again was because of my mouth. That voice that once asked too many questions, you tried to warn me… now there was no one who could try to stop this leap into the void, I really hoped that you would be there to catch me… And when compared to this free fall, the lakes of hellfire pale before this abandonment. I could fall a thousand times, I could feel each of my nerves melting a million times, I could lose all the light you grow in me, if that means that I could be near you again, if I could take back my borrowed place on your couch, if I could feel again the warmth of your presence, existing in the comfortable silence of your space, if I could just return to the bittersweet torture of enslaving my selfish emotions, feel again the awareness that a being like me was capable of bringing you joy, because I could have taken the stars down from the sky, created galaxies and nebulae in your bookshop if it brought a smile to your face… But you decided to go where I can’t follow, you don’t understand what you ask of me, how could you? How could I’ve explained it? No, not this time, this time I choose exile even knowing that you take my heart with you. You leave behind this empty shell that is filled with rage, betrayal and alcohol. I crawl and try to hide behind these walls of ignorance and denial that I lived in for millennia, but I can’t go back, there is no mercy, unforgivable, that’s what I am, so why did you tell me that you forgive me? What do you forgive me for? Is it the poison that came out of my mouth, drowning that desperate kiss? Because I don’t regret having tasted the real paradise on your lips. But the price was waking up, the price was pushing you even further, so far that… Will you ever return? No… I must learn to surrender myself to this starless night, to never feel warm again, to this empty shell. Will you take care of my heart? Or will it be a trophy for you? The heart of a demon in love with an angel, put on display in the middle of the white and sterile plains of your office… I try to hate you, Angel, I really do, but when I think of you I only see thousands of memories that I treasure… if I must direct this hatred against someone, it will be against myself, never against you… Because if it’s still not clear to you, damn bastard, I love you, I always have and I always will, even if it’s no longer of any use… I really suck at writing, that was always your thing…
Waiting that this feeling destroy me I say goodbye.
Yours truly,
Anthony J. Crowley
Lobata Esteparia 